So last night while making a trip to the grocery store, I found my self in the fruits and veggies section crying my eyes out as I was deciding between nectarines and peaches. I’d realized that I had put on a brave face over my recent move and break-up and as opposed to properly dealing with it, I tried to run from it, literally.
Every morning I wake up, take my dog out and then go for a run. The crappier I feel in the morning the longer I run. Then I come home, take a shower, run any errands I have, and then read while watching some movie and then fall asleep and repeat the same thing the next day. But for some reason I was bombarded by feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fact that I really am alone out here, in this strange city, and about to get my butt kicked by grad school. While having my breakdown I was having two separate conversations with some girlfriends. One was telling me to enjoy the alone time and how much she enjoyed her alone time. I very much enjoy alone time, but I think it’s the fact that if I wanted to go and see a movie or grab dinner with someone, I would have no one to call.
I know I’m not the only person to move to a completely new city (not including for undergraduate college) and not know anyone. And I know that when I graduate from here, I will be doing it again. So if I can’t handle it now, how will I handle it in 2 years. To make matters worse, it doesn’t help when I see all of my old friends out and about having fun with each other back in Texas or Virginia. It makes me wonder why I left my friends and support system behind. But that is exactly why I left those places.
I chose to go to an out-of-state school for Undergrad because I wanted to branch out and meet new people. I was afraid that if I stayed in VA, that my college friends would have also been my high school friends. And the reason why I chose to leave Texas is because I again wanted to get out and do something new. It’s easy to get trapped in a place. I mean UT is a great school, I had great friends, I knew the area very well, and I loved the city. The longer I stayed there the more comfortable I would have become and not wanted to move. Not that there is anything wrong with TX, but I am an East Coast girl.
So hear I am, in FL, trying to start the next chapter of my life but I’m being held back by my own apprehensions and fears. So what do I do. Well, first off I have decided to admit to myself that I am scared shitless and that I am not ok. But I also know that as with most things, it will get better with time. So although I am not ok at the moment, I know that eventually I will be.