I hate this feeling. Sitting. Waiting for that little red light to start flashing only to be disappointed when you discover that it’s flashing for the wrong reason.
Yep, that light. So I’ve been talking to this gentleman for a few months now (Of course I’m waiting for a man) and I haven’t really heard from him the past few days, which is unusual considering we talk every day throughout the day. So of course I tried to play it calm at first. He’s busy. It’s only been a day. Distract yourself. So around 4:58p today I decided to send him a text, “Hope all is well with u.” Nice enough. What the text really meant though was ‘Umm, hello?!? I know you aren’t ignoring me!” And the last bit of the text showed some of my frustration. The ‘u’ part that is. It’s very subtle but anyone that knows me knows that I do not text in short hand. I hate the way it looks and I interpret it as meaning that you don’t want to waste any letters on me. Crazy? Yes I know. But we all have our little quirks. So I added my little ‘u’ to somewhat show my frustration. He probably thought nothing of it (if he even saw the text) but it made me feel better. So the minutes ticked by. An episode of Cake Boss, two episodes of Seinfeld and 30 minutes of American Idol later and STILL no response. So I began to plan my next move.
Now I’ve learned from previous experience not to jump to conclusions. For example, in a previous relationship I had a guy who didn’t text me for 3 days! By day 3 you can guess that I was pretty much cursing him out via text and telling him that he didn’t care about me and that I was done. That’s when I got the text back where he apologized to me and told me that his best friend had been found murdered and that he was trying to help the police with the investigation. Yea. Let’s just say I felt like the biggest bitch in the world. I don’t even remember what I said in response. Probably something along the lines of sorry but in that situation sorry just wasn’t going to cut it. So I learned my lesson and now I tend to take the worst case scenario approach. Well, more like the middle road, because I tried the worst case scenario approach one night and damn near called the police to see if there had been any accidents that night. So I decided to tread lightly with this one. Which leads me to a suggestion for phone companies. An undo button. Gmail has one and it has saved me many a time. So I send one more text, “Are you made at me? What’s going on?” After sending it I realized the tone of the text sounds panicky and quite frankly a little desperate. But at that point there was nothing I could do about it. So now I wait. feeling like Ginnifer Goodwin’s character from He’s Just Not That Into You when she waited for that guy to call her.
Blashpemy!! My phone just rang….it was a wrong number. *sigh*
So last night while making a trip to the grocery store, I found my self in the fruits and veggies section crying my eyes out as I was deciding between nectarines and peaches. I’d realized that I had put on a brave face over my recent move and break-up and as opposed to properly dealing with it, I tried to run from it, literally.
Every morning I wake up, take my dog out and then go for a run. The crappier I feel in the morning the longer I run. Then I come home, take a shower, run any errands I have, and then read while watching some movie and then fall asleep and repeat the same thing the next day. But for some reason I was bombarded by feelings of loneliness and abandonment. The fact that I really am alone out here, in this strange city, and about to get my butt kicked by grad school. While having my breakdown I was having two separate conversations with some girlfriends. One was telling me to enjoy the alone time and how much she enjoyed her alone time. I very much enjoy alone time, but I think it’s the fact that if I wanted to go and see a movie or grab dinner with someone, I would have no one to call.
I know I’m not the only person to move to a completely new city (not including for undergraduate college) and not know anyone. And I know that when I graduate from here, I will be doing it again. So if I can’t handle it now, how will I handle it in 2 years. To make matters worse, it doesn’t help when I see all of my old friends out and about having fun with each other back in Texas or Virginia. It makes me wonder why I left my friends and support system behind. But that is exactly why I left those places.
I chose to go to an out-of-state school for Undergrad because I wanted to branch out and meet new people. I was afraid that if I stayed in VA, that my college friends would have also been my high school friends. And the reason why I chose to leave Texas is because I again wanted to get out and do something new. It’s easy to get trapped in a place. I mean UT is a great school, I had great friends, I knew the area very well, and I loved the city. The longer I stayed there the more comfortable I would have become and not wanted to move. Not that there is anything wrong with TX, but I am an East Coast girl.
So hear I am, in FL, trying to start the next chapter of my life but I’m being held back by my own apprehensions and fears. So what do I do. Well, first off I have decided to admit to myself that I am scared shitless and that I am not ok. But I also know that as with most things, it will get better with time. So although I am not ok at the moment, I know that eventually I will be.
LDR=Long Distance Relationship (for those that don’t know). In any case, today is the official Day 1 of me being in a LDR, although I kicked it off last night by consuming a bottle of wine, visiting an upstairs neighbor and watching Titanic, then taking a trip to a 24-hr diner followed by my passing out as soon as I got home. To make matters worse, my best friend who would normally be here to console or drink with me left this week as well. Talk about terrible timing. Anywho, as soon as she left I quickly sent her a text seeking moral support. She was very positive in her outlook and suggested that I pick up a hobby. It was a great idea. I haven’t had anything to do really since returning from London and have several weeks until I move to FL. So why not find something to distract me. So what would I do?
Well me not being able to think of anything other than reading or knitting (which is not my strong point and there’s no point of knitting a sweater when it’s 90º outside) I went to the source of all answers. Bing.com and typed in hobbies. It sounds pretty ridiculous but I needed ideas. Next thing I knew I found myself on a website talking about bucket lists. I too have made a bucket list, but none of them are things I can do right now. But as I looked through the list that included such things as Running with the Bulls and having dinner with a celebrity, there was one that stood out to me. Learn another language. I have always wanted to learn another language, in particular Spanish. I took 3 years in high school and 3 semesters in college and can probably only hold a conversation with a 4 year old. They say that the best way to learn another language is just to immerse your self in a country that speaks it primarily, but with my lack of funds to book a ticket to South America, I chose the second best option. Rosetta Stone.
I’ve seen plenty of infomercials and encountered the resellers in mall kiosks and have heard nothing but good things from people that have used it. So I decided to look into it and go for it. After deciding that I didn’t want to order it online and wait for it to be delivered, I called local Border’s to see if they have the version that I wanted. None of them had the levels I wanted, but one store did have the next set, so I went ahead and purchased it.
After about two hours and only now beginning Lesson 3 of Unit 1 of Disc 1 of Level 1. I purchased three levels. Level 1 has 3 units and each unit has about 4 of 5 lessons. Needless to say, I will be occupied. And I have to say, if I do learn Spanish fairly fluently, I may never speak English again.
I have no idea how long this will keep me occupied or how long I will keep up with it. Actually, scratch that, for the amount of money I cost I will keep up with it. However, even if this LDR doesn’t work out how I hope it will, at least I will have learned a second language out of it. 🙂
“Don’t pity the girl with one true friend. Envy her. Pity the girl with just a thousand acquaintances.” –Katie Obenchain
I came across this quote while I was in a bit of a funk, and I think it really describes my life. I’ve always had very few true friends (I like it that way). I think this has a lot to do with being a military child and watching my friends come and go every few years so I cherished the ones that were always there for me. Then after a really bad betrayal by one of my best friends in high school, I found myself having more acquaintences for some time because of the lack of trust I had for people. However since being in school I have since regained some very close friends who I consider my sisters, both of which I have known since middle school. But then I started thinking about the true friends that I had gained since being in college. At first I wasn’t sure if I had any because I had found a way to isolate myself while being here. I’m not saying that I was a hermit and didn’t talk to anyone on campus, I am involved in various orgs on campus, but I have managed to keep my personal life fairly hidden. I think a lot of this has to do with being an out-of-state student with the idea that I was only going to be here for four years and then I’d leave. That was my intention. But then I realized that I have made quite a few life long friends since I’ve been here. I’m not saying 20, 30, or even 40. Actually less than 10 who I would consider true, ride-or-die, hold my hair while I’m puking, bail me out of jail friends. And I like it that way.
I like being able to call up Courtney right after class to make a trip to Pappadeaux’s for crawfish or Jasmine at 2a to make an “emergency” trip. Or call Joe or Victoria crying about my latest relationship drama. Or have Sam carry me home because I have underestimated the effects of the screwdriver I drank. And I love the fact that I still have such an amazing friendship with my very first roommate Muneezeh and she can answer any question I have ranging from fashion to politics
They have all been there for me when I needed them most and for that I am eternally grateful to have such QUALITY friends.